dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
