I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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