god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
