Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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