i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
