I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
