do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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