You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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