Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
