a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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