her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
