she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
