It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
