I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
