I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
