Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
