I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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