when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
