Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
