I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
