I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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