You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
