Whod you bang
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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