I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
