guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
