Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
