So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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