my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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