The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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