Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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