How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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