I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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