Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
