your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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