So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
