Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
