oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
