Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
