I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
