listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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