oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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