i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
