I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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