Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
