i jhust puked up my retainher.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
