I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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