Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
