Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
