You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
