if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Who died my cat blue again?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
