I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
