he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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