i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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